Where's my favorite assault rifle when I need it?

The Supreme Court recently gave its interpretation of the Second Amendment by striking down Washington, D.C.'s ban on handguns.

Seems fair to me.

Gun control advocates across the country were subsequently infuriated. So I've come up with my own law: Let people carry whatever weapon they want, as long as it is openly displayed.

With this new law in effect, the argument over concealed weapons is ended. Do you want to carry a pistol (or two)? No problem - just carry your six-shooters in hip holsters, á là the Wild West. Are you tired of those trees full of pesky grackles squawking day and night? Just sling an AK-47 over your shoulder and fire away whenever the wildlife gets on your nerves. And forget about arguing: Now you can settle disagreements by dueling in the streets with swords or handguns — or even a combination of the two! The possibilities are limited only by your budget and how many weapons you can physically carry.

My new law wouldn't be limited simply to having weapons on your person, either: It also would apply to cars.
Road rage is more and more prevalent, and my legislation would put a quick end to that sort of behavior. I'm guessing drivers would be much less prone to cut off a car that has a machine gun mounted on its roof or a stinger missile aimed at oncoming traffic. We'd all be much friendlier on the road, and quick to use our turn signals, too.

And let's not forget about the terrorists. We all know they're lurking everywhere, just waiting to pounce at the right moment. Does that person walking down the street look different from you? He's probably a terrorist. Does he speak a different language, too? Yep, he's here to blow up a shopping mall. With the terror threat level constantly hovering at magenta, I believe those who wish to do America harm would be much less likely to attack if they knew the average citizen was carrying enough firepower to arm a Third World country. By openly displaying our bazookas or towing a Howitzer with our SUVs, the terrorists would have no choice but to surrender.

I know what you're thinking, dear reader: What about the children? What about accidents?
My new law will be a kind of social Darwinism - survival of the fittest. Only those with the best aim — or the most destructive weapons — will survive. And, of course, the gun inevitably will grow in status, especially among impressionable youths. What better way is there to say "I love America" than getting your child the shiniest, prettiest gun money can buy?
Once the smoke clears and the gunfire has settled down momentarily, those left standing will agree that this is an essential law that must be passed. And if you don't, just start shooting.

Andy Comer is a copy editor and columnist for The Monitor. He can be reached at acomer@themonitor.com.