Unique in their grief

Grief is a turning point, a universal human experience. But grieving is a private journey with no single path, no right or wrong steps.

Consider Peggy Kellogg, no longer grieving her late husband, Terrence, as much as she grieves the life they had together.

''I spent about a year grieving him, and now I think I miss the life it took so long to build,'' she says. She would like him to appear - in a dream, in a ghostly vision, in some communication. He hasn't returned to comfort her with his presence since his massive heart attack 17 months ago. ''I tell him it's OK to come back to me some way,'' she says.

Or there's Kathy Messner, who spent six years in a bereavement group mourning the pregnancy death of her twins. ''The group filled the hole of emptiness,'' Messner says. Few outside the group shared her grief surrounding unborn children, she says. She had been in fertility treatments when she miscarried. Now she is the mother of an adopted boy, 10, and a biological daughter, 6.

Flo Spangler relies on friends to help share her pain after the death of her husband, Malvern Spangler, in June 2005. They were married 48 years. ''Friends throw me a rope,'' she says.

Each woman went to the recent seminar ''Coping With Grief,'' at St. Angela Merici Church in Brea, Calif., to discover if they are grieving wisely, strongly, normally.

And each was reassured that their grief journey is not only normal but an experience few can avoid at some point in life, whether it's grieving a parent, a child, a spouse, a friend.

''Grief is a turning point,'' said Dr. William Lamers, keynote speaker for the program organized by Journeys Project Films and the church. ''We now know it is natural and has a purpose in our lives.''

Lamers, who founded one of the earliest U.S. hospice programs in Marin County north of San Francisco in the 1970s, believes most people are resilient and ''get along pretty well.'' But he bemoans the lack of community grieving, especially in an era when many people live far from their loved ones.

''They have moved away from family, community, relations and multi-generation social structures, and they lack the support system they need,'' Lamers said.

He advocates that people find some sort of support system, either through a grief group or a network of friends.

And, he adds, ''a hospice death helps those grieving handle death more successfully.'' Hospice programs offer counseling during and after the dying experience.

During the afternoon, several counselors offered advice to those grieving and to professionals who work with the grief-stricken.

''For each person there is a unique type or expression or even length to the grief process,'' counselor Shvonne Stricklen said. ''I don't believe in the stage theory of grief. It's affected by your age, your stage in life, the person who died and the type of death, even (by) your idea of grief.''

Her broad range of ''normal grief reactions'' includes emotional release like crying, wailing and moaning. It also includes physical symptoms, like weight loss; hallucinations or seeing, hearing and feeling the presence of the deceased; anger and hostility; a sense of loneliness; and even freedom or release.

Stricklen advocates support groups for those grieving.

''Grief is like a big gash that's full of crud,'' she said. ''If you don't operate, if you wrap it up and leave it alone, as time goes on, it festers.

''Support groups are there not so much to make you feel better but to help you clean out the wound.''

It's important to discuss grief, Keith Myers said. He is executive producer of the video ''Journey of Loss ... Discovery of Hope,'' a project he joined after losing eight people - his wife, mother, cousins and friends - in three years. Myers also is CEO of Vision4Media, the company that produced the video.

The documentary-style film confronts grief issues through the journey of eight survivors. An interfaith production, it also features therapists discussing grief and emotional well-being from Catholic, Jewish and Protestant perspectives.

Statistically, 12.5 million Americans are grieving a new death every year, Myers said.

The problem is, American society doesn't let people talk about it, he said.

Myers shared the rough patch he experienced after his wife's death. He lost 30 pounds, suffered loneliness and despair, and asked God, ''Why me?''

''I was no longer part of a couple, and that yearning is still part of me. I had to develop new skills - like cooking.''

Myers had to reach into his emotional toolbox, said Michael Meador, director of bereavement services at Mariposa Women's and Family Center in Orange, Calif.

''Often if feels like you lost not only a person but also yourself that was in that relationship,'' he said. ''You need to use the tools to reconnect in a dynamic way,'' he said, speaking about attachments and priorities in life.

The theory that time heals all wounds is only a half-truth, Meador said.

''If you don't process feelings in some way, there will be a weak or blocked place inside,'' he said.

Added Stricklen: ''Be patient and let grief wounds heal. This can be a growth experience because it touches the depth of what it means to be human.''