The Top 5 bad romances in movie history

Couples throughout the Valley will celebrate Valentine's Day this weekend with a trip to the cinema, where some of the greatest love stories of all time have played out. But the silver screen isn't always so rosy. These cherished films feature infatuations that are violent, unrequited and even border-line incestuous. But hey, who said love was easy?

#5 KING KONG

This classic film tells the tale of a man. A man who is rough around the edges. Bad temper. Poor grooming. Differences with society. This man falls in love with a beautiful woman. Blonde and big eyes. Budding starlet. Young and supple. They connect. They have a moment. Then planes shoot him with machine guns and he plummets to his death from the top of the Empire State Building. Where did this one go wrong? For starters, he was a giant freaking ape.

#4 STAR WARS (ORIGINAL TRILOGY)

In the Empire Strikes Back, rakish Han Solo falls for pampered Princess Leia. How romantic. But what about the love story from the original film? In Star Wars, Luke Skywalker lusts after Princess Leia. She even clings to him as he swings to safety amid a volley of laser fire. Surely, the physical intimacy caused a momentary disturbance in the force. It looked like things were about to jump to light speed. And then two movies later we find out that she is his sister. Um…let’s change the subject.

#3 KILL BILL

Relationships crumble, hearts break, and people move on. The martial arts assassins in Kill Bill are no different. These characters, however, cope differently. The normal spurned lover binges on ice cream or cries to a friend. Bill shoots his pregnant ex in the head at point blank range. His lover, known as The Bride, responds by slaughtering hundreds of henchmen with a katana. She eventually finds Bill and they discuss old times. Then she uses kung fu to make his heart explode. In other words, don’t feel so bad about the angry text you sent your ex.

#2 LUCAS

This obscure ‘80s movie follows a doofy high school student who falls in love with the new girl in town. She’s fair skinned, beautiful and affluent. He wears big, always skewed glasses. He lives in a tiny trailer, and he’s about half the size of the jock she falls for. Lucas attempts to prove his worth, suiting up for a football game. The coach, for some reason, puts him in. The quarterback, for some reason, throws him a pass and the defense smashes him, sending him to the hospital. His unrequited crush visits him, flanked by her buff boyfriend, a young Charlie Sheen. Yowch.

#1 PRETTY IN PINK

This 1986 movie features a quintessential “just friends” story line. The main characters, Andie and Duckie, are platonic best friends. Duckie, however, has deep feelings for Andie. Unfortunately for him, Andie is smitten by Blane, a rich kid from the figurative other side of the tracks. Duckie warns Andie that Blane is a jerk and she’ll get hurt. Andie ignores him. Blane hurts Andie a bit before revealing himself to be a semi jerk with a good heart, which is exactly what women want.

Zack Quaintance covers movies and pop culture for Festiva. You can reach him at (956) 683-4447.