Zen + Swayze + throat ripping = classically bad film

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He's Dalton, a barroom cooler that cleans up rowdy bars. He practices Zen philosophy and meditation. He carries a reputation for ripping out a dude's throat during the heat of battle.

And all the characters in the movie tell him "I thought you'd be bigger."

Funny, I thought this movie would be better.

That was a cheap shot, but then again, this is a corny, 80s tour de force of cheap shots. And that's what makes it so great.

Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, the man I've just described. Dude took this Roadhouse role pretty quick after hitting it huge with the 1987 uber chick flick Dirty Dancing. Thus the movie's tag line: "The dancing's over. Now it gets dirty."

How about, "The dancing's over. Now it gets riddled with plot holes."

A guy owns a massive bar in Jasper, Mo. (where?) called the Double Deuce. He loves his bar and sees lots of financial potential. Problem is, a rowdy crowd turns it into brawl central night after night.

In the first scene alone, it's easy to see the money loss. A guy bumps another guy - a table gets broke. A dude brokers a deal to feel a woman's breast for some cash. The guy gropes, then reveals he has no cash - a table gets broke.

Table gets broke, table gets broke, table gets broke. Furniture costs alone make it an incredibly unprofitable enterprise.

So why not close up shop? Move to some lucrative market like Chicago, Los Angeles or New York? Hell, even Duluth, Minn. likely brings more green than Jasper, Mo.

Nope, the owner decides to pay Patrick Swayze's character something like $500 a day to clean it up. No way this place does $500 of daily business.

But I digress. I only elaborate on all that to point out the things you should not pay attention to. Forget the plot, forget character motivation, and forget logic.

Pay attention to cars getting crumbled by monster trucks. Men being crushed alive by enormous stuffed bears. And Sam Elliot playing his signature role, a grizzled southern man with a speckled past.

Also look for the following staples of corny 80s cinema.

The somewhat nerdy yet well-intentioned woman who works as a waitress, musician and potential love interest if it wasn't for the somewhat nerdiness.

The recurring point that people don't like the main character. In the Karate Kid Daniel suffered constant beatings. In the Breakfast Club the other students called Judd Nelson a jerk two dozen times. In Roadhouse, Dalton brings new tires for his car to work daily, because the bad bar patrons slash his tires.

Sure, we got the point after the first time. But what if we didn't? To that end, the director hammers it home constantly.

Then there's the line that really sums it all up. Dalton goes for stitches after suffering a knife slash to his shoulder. The nurse reads over his Dickens novel-sized medical history.

She asks him how he tolerates it all.

"Pain don't hurt," he responds.

Maybe pain don't hurt (although it always does), but this movie certainly does. Unless you take it for what it is, and down a few brews.

Roadhouse (1989)

Director: Rowdy Herrington

Starring: Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch, Sam Elliot

Run Time: 114 Minutes

Corniest line: "Pain don't hurt." -Dalton (Swayze) as his love interest sews up a knife wound suffered during a particularly raucous night at the bar.

Suggested beer consumption: Six pack.

Zack Quaintance covers features and entertainment for The Monitor. You can reach him at (956) 683-4447.