A new horror has landed — Ahnuld The Actor

Stand at a bar full of dudes.

Make sure you've had a few beers, they've had a few beers, you've all had a few beers. When conversation stalls, scream "Get to da chopper!"

In the right circumstances, someone will scream it right back. Likely without hesitation.

That's right; Arnold Schwarzenegger's hammy acting has entered the lexicon. And that's what Predator represents. Arnold made the flick in 1987. He would later go on to make far worse films. He was a twin with Danny DeVito. He got pregnant. He was a cop in Kindergarten. And he Jingled All the Way into awful movie immortality.

But before that he was trying to get to da chopper.

Predator is the quintessential muscle man action flick. It has big guns, lots of death and a mushroom cloud ending. Do I like this flick? I'm torn between my intellect and testosterone while trying to decide. Ultimately, one could call it brainless, overdramatic and unnecessarily violent. Nice.

But inside all that is a convoluted lesson in poor story telling.

Predator seems pretty clear cut. Reagan-era strike team deploys into a jungle. Under false pretenses they gun down and blow up about 200,000 Guatemalan guys, and they stop the Russians from instigating a coup. Then they get ripped apart by a hungry alien. The lead commando eventually bests said alien and flies away.

Classic tale of good versus evil.

But who's really evil here?

The Predator was just trying to eat. Sure, one could argue that eating meat all together is wrong. But this movie is far from vegetarian propaganda. Look at the strike team. They're all muscle bound, even the nerdy dude with glasses. They eat meat just like the Predator eats meat.

So is killing these guys for food wrong? Who's to say?

What seems far more immoral is imposing your politics on a third world nation that posses no threat to you. True, Arnold's team went in because they thought a diplomat needed rescuing. But once they found out that was bunk, they continued killing and exploding their way through every guy in their path, like good soldiers.

And these guys, mowed over so quickly by the massive guns of our "heroes," who are they? Leftist guerrillas, likely born to poor farmers trying to overcome massive obstacles.

Now consider Arnold's team. The guys tell jokes that are demeaning to women. They tease the Native American guy. And Jesse "the body" Ventura, future governor of Minnesota, uses a gay slur when his teammates refuse to chew tobacco.

Arnold also kills a guy with a knife, nailing him to a poll. "Stick around," the future governor of California quips at his fallen foe.

What a great respect for human life he has.

Also, note the manner in which Arnold and the Predator do battle. At one point the Predator clutches Arnold between his claws. Noting Arnold's guile and obvious disadvantage, the alien removes his mask and throws down his weapon. He chooses to go one on one, to give Arnold a chance.

Our "hero" then takes a bit of a beating before running off. The Predator gives chase and ultimately falls victim to one of several hidden traps Arnold has set.

Nothing says fair fight like dropping a massive log on your opponent's head. Bad story. But then again, back in those days, that night vision footage was pretty cool.

• WATCHABLE AFTER: Four beers, but finish your drink when you hear "Get to the Chopper!"
• READ MORE DUDE, SERIOUSLY REVIEWS

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Zack Quaintance covers features and entertainment for The Monitor. You can reach him at (956) 683-4447.

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