I want my own reality show, too!

If Scott Baio and Bret Michaels can do it, why can't I?

Now that the football season is officially over, my Sunday night television viewing has shifted to VH1's slew of celebrity reality shows. As much as I detest "reality" television, I can't help but listen to Scott Baio whine to his new wife on Scott Baio is 46 ... and Pregnant, or watch and wonder which bimbo's heart Bret Michaels will break next.

Michaels, the lead singer of ‘80s hair metal band Poison, is in the second season of Rock of Love, a reality show in which he picks from two dozen or so women to be his "girlfriend." Week by week, they're whittled down until Michaels must ultimately pick who he likes best. If watching half-plastic, scantily-clad goldiggers who have a combined IQ of 37 passes as entertainment, then why don't I have my own reality show? I decided to invent one for myself.

Coming this fall: Andy Comer, a copy editor living in South Texas, will attempt to find his true love among a hanful of
B-list actresses and former child stars on Andy Comer is 28 ... and Desperate.

You see, I've inverted the formula of Rock of Love; instead of one B-lister picking from random chicks, I have chosen myself, a Z-lister at best, to find my special someone among Hollywood's leftovers. It's marginally original, but just enough of a twist that I'm sure VH1 would pick it up immediately.

In casting the females for the show, I used a very complex formula: I tried to remember all the shows I watched as a kid, if they had any female characters roughly my age, and called their agents - if they even still had agents, that is. The whole process took about 10 minutes. Luckily, everyone my people contacted agreed to be on the show.

The cast is as follows: Jodie Sweeten, aka "Stephanie" from Full House; Danica McKeller, aka "Winnie" from The Wonder Years; Tatyana Ali, aka "Ashley" from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; Nicole Eggert, aka "Jamie" from Charles In Charge (notice the Scott Baio tie-in?); Tiffani Amber Thiessen, aka "Kelly" from Saved by the Bell; Soleil Moon Frye, aka "Punky Brewster"; and Keisha Knight Pulliam, aka "Rudy" from The Cosby Show. Coincidentally, they all grew up to be gorgeous.

This is the true story ... of seven Hollywood castaways picked to be on a crappy reality show to try to revive their careers ... and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite ... and start catfighting!

Like Rock of Love, Real World and Surreal Life, among other shows, the women must live together in a house 24 hours a day and perform all sorts of challenges to prove their love to a man they hardly know. Before they're allowed to come on to the show, they must prove they have an IQ of 115 or higher and that they look great in a pair of high heels.

I've even designed my own challenges for the ladies, too. In one episode, the gals must bake chocolate chip cookies - while wearing bikinis, of course - for me to eat. Whoever bakes the best cookies is free from being kicked off the show at the end of that episode. And yes, food fights are encouraged; I've hired Gary Coleman to clean up the mess and be my sidekick for the duration of the show. Can you smell the ratings, Willis?

In another challenge, the women must write an article about their views on current events, again while in bikinis. Whoever submits the article with the least spelling, grammar and factual errors is safe from being eliminated at the end of that episode. I know that's not a very sexy challenge, but as a copy editor, a pet peeve of mine is when fully-functional adults can't even string together a basic sentence free of errors. My dream girl has to be able to send me a coherent e-mail to me at work when she desperately misses me and wants her ink-stained lover to come home for a long lunch break.

I can't tell you much more about the show, I don't want to spoil it for the legions of fans who are sure to tune in. All I can say is that if you like the current crop of slop on TV these days, you're sure to love watching me try to find my soulmate. And if it doesn't work out for me, there's always season two.

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Andy Comer is a copy editor at The Monitor. He can be reached at (956) 683-4469 or by e-mail at acomer@themonitor.com.