Forfeiting Independence: Committing family members to care of others no easy task

Gustavo Cantu, 72, worked as a police officer for 15 years.

He has three grown daughters.

And is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s disease.

Four months ago his family decided that they could no longer care for him and placed him in the Good Samaritan Nursing Home in McAllen.

“My mother (Saida Cantu) was taking care of him at home,” said Aida Cantu, Gustavo’s daughter. “His dementia was too severe. She’s ill herself and she couldn’t handle him anymore (She has circulation problems and kidney problems). That’s when we decided to put him here.”

Carmen Rodriguez, 85, lived on a ranch outside of Mercedes for a decade alone before her health forced her children to put her in Good Samaritan Center four months ago.

Both Aida Cantu, and Becky Maldonado, Carmen Rodriguez’s daughter, have faced difficult decisions in the past few months. They chose to forfeit their parents’ independence in order to provide them a safer environment.

Gustavo and Carmen were very independent people, who spent their lives providing for their families through hard work and perseverance. Neither expected nor wanted to go to a nursing home.

“My mother retired at the age of 77,” Maldonado said. “She worked as a hair dresser for 57 years. She’s a very independent person. She lived alone for 10 years.”

“Yes, I am very independent,” Rodriguez said. “Everyone likes me,” she said with smirk.

After Rodriguez’s husband died, Maldonado’s brother, Rodolfo Rodriguez, lived with her for about three years. He urged her to leave the ranch, but she refused.

Eventually Rodriguez’s children decided their mother shouldn’t drive. She was 78, and had been in an accident. A man talking on his cell phone ran a red light and plowed into Carmen. Even though the accident wasn’t her fault, it shook up her family.

“My brother thought that because her reflexes weren’t what they used to be, he didn’t see how she could be good at driving,” Maldonado said.

Rodriguez was not happy to have her independence usurped by her family.

“It felt like hell,” she said. “It was bad, because I thought everything’s changed, and I have to put up with that. I just thank God that I have her (points to her daughter). She does everything for me, the driving and the calling. Whatever I want, she gives it to me. I have boys, but they don’t do what she does.”

Gustavo Cantu worked until he was 65. By then, the disease had pretty much set in.

“It was a hard thing to do, to take away the keys,” Aida Cantu said. “We couldn’t get him to understand the reason why. We took the keys away because we live in a small community, and someone was always coming over to tell us that he ran a stop sign or something. At that point, we decided that, before anything happens, we would take the keys away from him. We took the car to my sister’s house and told him it was in the shop. It’s amazing how the roles change.”

Part of the changing roles that both Aida Cantu and Maldonado faced were having to take responsibility for everyday activities that their parents could once easily manage — in doing so their parents lost some of their freedom.

“He basically had his freedom taken away,” Aida Cantu said. “We put locks on the doors so he wouldn’t wander off while my mom was taking a nap. He would leave, and people would see him walking around town and bring him back. Once he made it to the bridge (the Reynosa crossing, a mile from their house). It was the scariest thing. Keeping him locked in the house, that was very devastating. ”

Taking away their parents’ freedoms was emotionally difficult for both daughters.

“It got to the point where I was angry all the time, and I didn’t know what I was angry about,” Maldonado said.

“It wasn’t that I was angry at my mom, I was angry at the situation, angry because I didn’t want it to change,” she said.

“It’s easier now compared to how it was at the beginning,” Aida Cantu said. “At the beginning, it was very hard to see dad in that state.”

Aida Cantu and Becky Maldonado both struggle with the guilt they feel about putting their parents in a nursing home.

“I was totally against bringing her here,” Maldonado said.

“I begged her to come live with me, but she wouldn’t. (Caring for elderly parents) it’s the Mexican culture. I’m a very emotional person. I don’t need to be the one giving out advice. I remember leaving my first son at his first day of kindergarten. I cried all the way home, I thought, ‘I’m abandoning my child.’ Multiply that times 100 and that’s how I felt (putting Carmen in the home). You’re never ready. My family started telling me what I needed to do, when I know this person better than anyone else. I knew when it was time. But I was the one that didn’t want to face up to it. I still have (guilt). It never goes away.”

Aida Cantu realized her dad needed to go to a nursing home, but her family was dead set against it.

“The guilt sets in, and you think, ‘Oh, isn’t there anything else I can do?’ My sister was totally against it to the very last,” Cantu said.

“I had to make the decision for my mom and my sisters, and I had to convince them (it was the right decision).”

Cantu has found comfort in a support group.

“They say we don’t have to feel guilty, but in the back of my mind, it still hurts,” she said.

Over the last four months both Maldonado and Cantu and their parents have come to terms with their decisions.

“I like it and I don’t like it. It’s hard to be here,” Rodriguez said. “I’m closer to Becky now. I see her more and talk to her more. We’re in good shape. Thank God I have good neighbors. But I would like to be back home at the ranch.”

“When I take her out, she calls this home, she says, ‘I want to go home,’” Maldonado said. “At the ranch, her nearest neighbor was a mile away.”

Aida Cantu still spends a lot of time with her dad, and even though she’s gotten used to him being at Good Samaritan, she still struggles with the fact that her father is in a nursing home.

“It’s not easy for any family to make this decision,” Aida Cantu said. “As hard as it might be, a person gets used to the fact. I pick him up every once in a while and take him home. We go out to eat, or to family gatherings. He went to the beach last Friday (with a nursing home group). He doesn’t remember it...”

“For some people, it’s easier to put their parents here, and for some it’s harder,” Jacquie Jenkins, director of nursing at Good Samaritan. “It depends on the person, and if they have the ability to deal with their emotions. I remember what it was like for my mother and my grandfather. What we’re here for is to support them and let them know that we will take care of their loved one. It’s more difficult than it was where I was in Wisconsin. (People here) tend to keep them home longer almost until they run out of options or the family burns out, or the (adult) day cares can’t take care of them anymore. That’s when they look into bringing them to a nursing home.”

“It gets better,” Maldonado said. “You don’t get used to it, but it gets better. I was afraid she’d blame me because I was the one who brought her here. Sure enough, I got a call at 2:30 in the morning one day, and it was her, asking, ‘Why did you put me in here?’ It broke my heart.”

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Paige Lauren Deiner covers features and entertainment for The Monitor. You can reach her at (956) 683-4425. For this and other local stories, visit www.themonitor.com.